Fading Scars

(c) Rachelle J. Christensen

As a child I was lucky I guess because I never broke any bones and only had one stitch. When I was one year old, I fell onto the sharp edge of a coffee table and split my upper lip open. One stitch sealed it up and no one was the wiser. The scar faded and I remember I'd have to look hard to see the fine white line just below my nose if I wanted proof of my one stitch.

That was quite a few years ago and with time and lots of exposure to the sun, that little scar has become more noticeable. I still remember feeling shocked when someone asked me, "How did you get that scar?"

It's still very faint, just one slanted line not even a 1/2 inch long, but when I've been out in the sun a lot it seems to be a bit more noticeable.

So why am I telling you about my little inconsequential scar? I'm telling you about it because even though it's very small, at most times invisible to the average onlooker, it's still there. I still have a scar and nothing short of plastic surgery will ever take that scar away.

I have other scars from the miscarriages I experienced, from the period of infertility I suffered through, from the emotional hurt inflicted by others. At first the wounds were deep, the scar ugly and painful, but with time they healed.

The scars began to fade, but interestingly enough at times the scars seemed more visible. Like the times when I would sit with other women and listen to them talk about their children, or watch a new mother cradle her infant in her arms while I felt the emptiness of my arms sagging weightlessly to my sides. At these times, the scars seemed to flash with a raw pain that was hard to hide.

Over time I was able to hide my scars more effectively. I became highly skilled at deflecting hurtful comments and changing the subject. But those hidden scars still pulsed with a pain that had to be dealt with. It was only when I faced those scars head-on and saw them for what they really are--a part of me--that I could fully heal.

I still have scars, but they don't hurt me like they used to. Certain things trigger memories that make me think of my scars and just like I sometimes notice the faint line above my lip while I'm applying my makeup, at times I ponder the situations that created other scars in my life.

The healing process is important. As I wrote my book, Lost Children: Coping with Miscarriage, each chapter seemed to apply a comforting salve to old scars. Understanding and friendship with others who experienced some of the same things helped me greatly.

I learned that nothing anyone could do or say could erase the scars of miscarriage. I will carry those scars with me throughout my entire life, but I'm no longer burdened by them. They have faded to fine lines which sometimes ache, but mostly serve as a reminder of how precious life is and the strength God has given me to overcome.

Reaching Out to Lift Each Other

Life is hard. Sometimes I try to kid myself into thinking it's not supposed to be so hard, but the reality is, it's hard and that's why we appreciate it so much.

One of the trials I have faced during my life began nearly ten years ago when I embarked on the first experience of pregnancy which later ended in a miscarriage. For a while, I couldn't talk about it, didn't want to think about, kept wishing it didn't happen. But it did.

I didn't know until it was already too late that I was pregnant with triplets. That's still hard to grasp. Sometimes I let myself think about how it would be to have three, nine-year old kids right now and it's a pretty crazy thought! It doesn't hurt nearly as bad, but the fact that I still think about those babies, shows how powerful the bond was even though my pregnancy did not come to fruition.

As I've worked over the years gathering information for my book, Lost Children: Coping with Miscarriage, I've learned many things. One is that I'm stronger than the trials I face--I'm still here! It's hard to talk about things and realize that nothing can change the past. And most important, I've learned that I am of individual worth.

I am a mother of three beautiful children now and everyday I thank my Heavenly Father for them. Being a mother is hard work, and getting there was half the battle. But something I learned over the years of infertility and miscarriages (yes there was more than one) is that my worth is not defined by my motherhood. I am a valuable person no matter how many children I have or didn't have while I was waiting for them to come.

I hope that if you have struggled with something similar that you will take this nugget of truth with you today. You are of individual worth, despite your trials and the circumstances you face. You are beautiful, you are loved, you are a child of God.

May you find peace today.

*If you would like to share your experiences, ask questions, or contribute to my guest column, please email me at copewithmiscarriage AT gmail dot com

Why a Blog About Miscarriage?

Did you know that one out of every three women will experience a miscarriage during her childbearing years?
Think about someone you know who has experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth. Did you know what to say or how to help them?

This is why I created the Coping with Miscarriage blog. When I experienced my first miscarriage, I needed something to read that would comfort me and someone to talk with who really understood what I was going through. I plan to fill this blog with several different topics to help those who mourn and those who comfort.

I also want to put the word out about my upcoming book. The title is Lost Children: Coping with Miscarriage.

I wrote this book because I wanted to discuss the many questions I had about why miscarriage happened, the conflicting emotions I experienced, the devastation I felt when I couldn’t get pregnant after my miscarriage and what happened to the babies I lost. Many women that I talked with had the same questions and concerns.

I hope my book will help someone to travel their road of grief with knowledge that even though the mountain is steep, there is another side. There are people all over the world who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility. If you would like to share your story here, please contact me at copewithmiscarriage@gmail.com

I will be posting several stories of personal experiences with miscarriage, infertility, and stillbirth because I believe that sharing our experiences helps us realize that we aren’t alone in our grief. It also helps us believe that on the other side of our trials, life has something in store for us—something that might not be a baby—but definitely something that we are supposed to have in this life.