Sometimes It Takes a Trial to Recognize Who We Are

I believe that this life is a time for us to experience many things both good and bad. Of course, I'd rather just experience the good, but I also realize why I have trials--to learn. During those hard times of life when I'm facing a trial it is hard to see anything but the grief and agony I'm going through as I try to overcome whatever obstacle is blocking my path to happiness.

I would definitely define miscarriage as an unpleasant trial. During the time when my husband and I were going through the sadness and disappointment of miscarriages, I was wearing the blinders of grief. I couldn't see very far into the future because I felt like I was drowning in a pool of sorrow.
Thank goodness our perspective can change over time. I can now look back at those unpleasant times and recognize the things I learned.

I wanted to share one of those things with you today. I learned that I am of individual worth.
Yes, it's a phrase I repeated every Sunday in Young Women's, but I only understood the surface of that statement. During the years when I yearned and prayed for a baby, I often questioned my self-worth. When I had repeated miscarriages, I wondered if Heavenly Father didn't think I was good enough to be a mother. I often wondered if I was a good enough person to be deserving of a child--was that why my prayers for a baby weren't being answered?
After my first miscarriage and subsequent years of infertility, I was walking through the refiner's fire. I began to realize something about myself and how important I was to our Heavenly Father's plan. It was shortly before my second miscarriage when I finally began to accept the truth that "I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me and I am of infinite worth." I realized that it didn't matter if I ever had children on this earth--Heavenly Father loves me! Heavenly Father knows my individual worth.

I was able to accept and cope with my second miscarriage in an entirely different way than I had faced my first miscarriage. It was still horrible. I was still sad and grieving, but through all that I was experiencing I could feel a sense of peace about God, about my Savior Jesus Christ, and of their infinite wisdom and love for me.

I want you to know that you are also of individual, infinite worth. Read this line aloud: I am of individual and infinite worth and am not defined solely by my earthly circumstances.

This does not mean that your trials will be easy. It doesn't mean that you won't grieve and mourn when you experience a miscarriage or other type of trial in your life. What it does mean is that no matter what happens to you, despite all that you might endure, this truth will never change: You are of individual worth.

Through my trials, I came to the conclusion that even if I was never able to bear children, I am still of infinite worth. This truth came so powerfully to me that I knew I could keep forging ahead and keep trying despite the pain. Sometimes it takes a trial to recognize who we are--the important thing is to grab hold of that truth and remember who we are for the trials in our future.

Father's Day Thoughts After a Miscarriage

Father's Day is a wonderful holiday, although it usually doesn't receive as much fanfare as Mother's Day.

When speaking of miscarriage, infertility, or other babies and children gone too soon, we often refer to Mother's Day as the "dreaded holiday" full of memories of what could have been, stark reminders of empty arms. I hope that you can read a few of my other posts here on this blog and information in my book, Lost Children: Coping with Miscarriage to help with these feelings. I'm bringing up this subject because I want to shine a light on a holiday that can be just as hard for a man who also has empty arms--Father's Day.

In my book, I have a special chapter,  
Husbands Have a Right to Grieve.
Here is an excerpt from that chapter:

Whenever someone mentions miscarriage, our thoughts usually turn to the woman who is suffering. She has gone through a terrible experience and we try our best to help and comfort her. But what about her husband?

The husband also has the right and need to mourn. He may experience some of the same or different emotions as his spouse. From my own experience, I remember I was so overwhelmed by my initial grief and pain that I couldn’t focus on anything else. I am so grateful my husband was able to explain to me that he was hurting too. Because he was willing to confide in me, my perspective shifted significantly so I was able to see that the suffering was not just my own, but ours to endure together.

It helped me to know that not only was my husband concerned about me, but he too was grieving the loss of our baby. He was not always as verbal about his feelings as I was. There were days I would forget he was grieving because he mourned in such a quiet way.

Men are very different from women emotionally, and particularly in how those emotions are expressed. Women usually find it therapeutic to verbalize their thoughts and emotions, whereas men tend to resolve them by thinking them out and bringing them to a mental resolution. Our differences can and should complement each other instead of causing discord.

Many women shared with me that their husbands wished someone would acknowledge they were hurting too. During my research, I have learned that many husbands often felt overlooked and forgotten during the mourning and comforting process. One man said, “It was my baby too and I am hurting just as much as my wife. I know it’s different but I’m not only hurting for the loss of the baby. I’m hurting for the pain my wife is going through.”

Even though husbands do have a need and a right to grieve, most will grieve differently than their wife. Because the woman experiences all of the physical changes of pregnancy and miscarriage, it is often hard for the husband to identify with the same emotions. He will likely feel grief, but he may not express his feelings as openly.

I talked to many husbands who felt they needed to be strong for their wife and family. Some felt that if they could temper their hurt and disappointment it would help their wife deal with the situation better.

You can read more on this subject in my book. My hope is to create awareness that it is not only the woman who suffers after a miscarriage. We can be sensitive to both the husband and a wife in this case and remember that even though women are the emotional creatures, men have feelings too.

With Father's Day approaching, I hope that you will have a chance to make new happy memories. If there is sadness in your life right now because of loss, I hope you can take a moment to ponder how you can help a father who has suffered and how you can both walk the healing path together.

If you have questions, feel free to email me: RachellethewriterAT gmail.com