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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Sometimes It Takes a Trial to Recognize Who We Are

I believe that this life is a time for us to experience many things both good and bad. Of course, I'd rather just experience the good, but I also realize why I have trials--to learn. During those hard times of life when I'm facing a trial it is hard to see anything but the grief and agony I'm going through as I try to overcome whatever obstacle is blocking my path to happiness.

I would definitely define miscarriage as an unpleasant trial. During the time when my husband and I were going through the sadness and disappointment of miscarriages, I was wearing the blinders of grief. I couldn't see very far into the future because I felt like I was drowning in a pool of sorrow.
Thank goodness our perspective can change over time. I can now look back at those unpleasant times and recognize the things I learned.

I wanted to share one of those things with you today. I learned that I am of individual worth.
Yes, it's a phrase I repeated every Sunday in Young Women's, but I only understood the surface of that statement. During the years when I yearned and prayed for a baby, I often questioned my self-worth. When I had repeated miscarriages, I wondered if Heavenly Father didn't think I was good enough to be a mother. I often wondered if I was a good enough person to be deserving of a child--was that why my prayers for a baby weren't being answered?
After my first miscarriage and subsequent years of infertility, I was walking through the refiner's fire. I began to realize something about myself and how important I was to our Heavenly Father's plan. It was shortly before my second miscarriage when I finally began to accept the truth that "I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me and I am of infinite worth." I realized that it didn't matter if I ever had children on this earth--Heavenly Father loves me! Heavenly Father knows my individual worth.

I was able to accept and cope with my second miscarriage in an entirely different way than I had faced my first miscarriage. It was still horrible. I was still sad and grieving, but through all that I was experiencing I could feel a sense of peace about God, about my Savior Jesus Christ, and of their infinite wisdom and love for me.

I want you to know that you are also of individual, infinite worth. Read this line aloud: I am of individual and infinite worth and am not defined solely by my earthly circumstances.

This does not mean that your trials will be easy. It doesn't mean that you won't grieve and mourn when you experience a miscarriage or other type of trial in your life. What it does mean is that no matter what happens to you, despite all that you might endure, this truth will never change: You are of individual worth.

Through my trials, I came to the conclusion that even if I was never able to bear children, I am still of infinite worth. This truth came so powerfully to me that I knew I could keep forging ahead and keep trying despite the pain. Sometimes it takes a trial to recognize who we are--the important thing is to grab hold of that truth and remember who we are for the trials in our future.


  1. I've never known this pain, though I only had one child and always thought I'd have at least two.

    My main character, VK, has a miscarriage and can't have children - it was one of the saddest chapters, and one of the most difficult, to write - would I honor it? would I get it right? would I know how to write such pain and sorrow?

    I love how you looked through your pain to the other side . . .with hope and even a way to see joy and especially how you see your worth--as you should.

  2. You are an icredibly gifted woman. There are not too many people who can spin a tale web. Good for you to recognize that. It is so very difficult where our lives do not take us where we think they should. I can understand what you are saying. And I can also recognize that this does not define you.


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